With The Benefit of Hindsight (part one)

Hello and happy Friday! I hope you’re looking forward to whatever the weekend will bring. I know that I’ve been writing quiet a few wordy posts lately, but that’s just what’s been springing out of me. I wasn’t going to write a post at all today because I didn’t have much to say, but then I read Tessa’s post and I felt inspired. You should go and check out the full post, but one aspect of it is about not being aware that the way you eat is disordered.

Warning: I am talking about restrictive eating behaviours, so if you don’t want to read about that, feel free to skip this post.

I have mentioned my story before but basically I was overweight my whole childhood, until I turned 15 and I decided that I really needed to do something about my weight and my health. I was 15 stone and at my lowest point. I remember sitting on my bed with my Mum crying and talking about my options. I knew that I wanted to do it the sensible way and that there were no quick fixes. In the end I decided to go and see my GP and find out what she could offer me.

She showed me a meal plan which was meant to help you lose a certain amount in four weeks (I can’t remember how much). I remember very clearly that the plan involved an awful lot of tuna and grapefruit, two foods that I really disliked at the time. I still hate tuna, but have grown to like grapefruits now. The doctor really tried to persuade me to try out this plan, but when it became clear that there was no way that I was going near a tin of tuna she did eventually give up. We agreed that I should aim to lose 1-2 pounds a week and I had absolutely no intention of crash dieting because I was in it for the long haul.

For the next two years I met with the practice nurse every two weeks for a weigh-in, and sure enough nearly every week I dropped one or two pounds, until I eventually lost 5 stone. For the first time in my life I was a healthy BMI and I felt so elated. Plus, I had done it the “sensible” way – I had lost weight slowly, I didn’t count calories at all, and I didn’t weigh myself at home.

However, there were other things going on behind the scenes that I can see clearly now with the benefit of hindsight. I didn’t count calories because I thought that it was obsessive behaviour and I prided myself on being an emotionally stable person, but I did create all sorts of other food rules. I watched my fat intake like a hawk. Food manufacturers would market their low-fat products by advertising the fact that they have “less than 3% fat”. Somehow that become my benchmark and I wouldn’t eat anything that had more than 3% fat. If the food had zero fat or less than 1g then that was a bonus.

I took over the cooking at home. In some respects that wasn’t a bad thing because I genuinely love cooking and my Mum hates it. I learnt a lot about cooking techniques, what flavours go together, and what I liked to eat. However, part of it was about controlling what went into my food, in particular making sure that no fat was added whatsoever. Honestly, the thought that someone would add oil to my stir-fry would make me panic.

I also had a warped belief that I shouldn’t eat much during the day, so I would have a decent-ish breakfast and dinner, but hardly any lunch. I have no idea where I got this from, all I know is that I was starving during the day. My daily diet looked like this:

• Porridge or dry muesli in strict rotation (porridge one day, muesli the next). I don’t know how I managed to get dry muesli down my neck!
• Cinnamon and raisin bagel or a small plain jacket potato for lunch (no spreads or fillings on either)
• No-fat yoghurt or a glass of fruit juice when I got home from school
• Normal-ish dinner (e.g. spag bol, stir-fry)
• An apple cut into very thin slices so it lasted longer and a Horlicks

I loved going on holiday, but I found stepping away from my usual routine a struggle. I’d usually end up losing more weight than usual on holiday because I would be extra restrictive during the day to save up for dinner time when I knew that I might have to eat richer food than I was used to.

During this time I never even touched chocolate (which I gave up when I was 12), cake, crisps, biscuits, or any sort of junk food. I did fill up on sweets occasionally, as long as they were fat-free. I would regularly dream that I’d eaten I slice of cake and then wake up in a panic, or even crying, and racked with guilt, until I realised that it wasn’t real.

Where this links in with Tessa’s research is that at the time I didn’t realise that this wasn’t normal or healthy behaviour. I was at the top end of a healthy BMI, actually around the same weight as I am now and I had been “sensible” about my weight loss. I didn’t want to lose any more, but I found that I needed the same level of restriction just to maintain. My parents occasionally expressed concern that I should eat more fat, but I was happy with my new body and excelling at school. It’s not until recently that I’ve actually looked back on that time and realised how restrictive and controlling I was.

This pattern of eating stopped quite quickly when I went to university. I was out of my usual routine and I was determined to make the most of my university experience. Plus, all my friends had totally healthy relationships with food and their bodies, and dieting was never a topic of conversation. On my first day we played an ice-breaker game involving chocolate and I decided that I needed to join in. I’m sure that I experienced some guilt, but I was so excited about the new chapter in my life that it was easy to push to one side. On another occasion, I was invited for dinner by a second year who had made a meal and prepared an apple pie. I refused a slice at first, but then I was encouraged to at least have a little bit by my friend, and I remember actually enjoying it. I think by that point I was fed up with being so controlling with food and I was ready to change.

I still continued to have issues with food, my weight and body image, but I have never gone back to being so restrictive. This post is already quite long, so I think I’ll go into that on another day!

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!